Even though many parents anticipate that the teenage years will be rocky, they still have a vision for what they hope it will look like. Some parents may hope that they can still sit and watch movies with their teen, go watch their teen play sports and then talk about the game after, make a snack and sit with their teen and their friends and talk, or go shopping with their teen. Whatever the specific activities are, they have a vision that they will have some sort of bonding experience with their teen ongoing. When this does not occur, it can bring up some challenging emotions.

Many of the parents I work with struggle with how to communicate and how to connect with their teen. Even though they are physically in the same home, they feel like emotionally they are miles apart. They try so hard to get their teen to communicate with them and spend time with them that when their teen does not respond in the way they had hoped, they become both exasperated and exhausted.  As a...

I have worked with many teens who have engaged in self-injurious behavior and understand how scary this can be for parents. It is hard to fathom why someone would intentionally cut, burn, harm, scar, and/or mutilate themselves. In this blog post, I will clarify why teens (and adults) engaged in self-injury as well as providing suggestions for how parents can respond.

There is sometimes the perception that when teenagers injure themselves, they do it because they are seeking attention, or they are doing it because their peers are doing it. While I have seen this occur occasionally, this is not the explanation for most instances of teenage self-injury. Some teens may show their scars as a cry for help, however, the majority of teens I have worked with who self-injure do so in places that are covered with clothing. They are ashamed of their behavior and try to keep it a secret.

So why do people injure themselves? When teens (or adults) engage in self-injurious behaviors,...

In my last blog post I talked about how to manage when your teen pulls away from you. Despite many teens pulling away from their parents, they still want to feel loved and accepted by them. Will they tell you this? No way! They likely don’t even realize it on a conscious level; however, it matters to them.

During the teenage years, many teens are very worried about wanting to fit in with their peer group. They may start behaving differently, dressing differently, speaking differently, and spending time with different peers. They may, and likely will to some extent, talk back and/or rebel against rules that they used to follow without question. When they are doing this, they are trying to figure out where they fit in and who they are as an individual. While they are usually very concerned about being accepted by their peers, they also remain concerned about your acceptance of them, as their parent. Remember, you were their number one role model and “go to”...

I have worked with many parents who are so saddened and worried when their teenager pulls back from them. These parents come to me because they are noticing that their teens are spending more time in their room, on their electronic devices, talking to friends, giving one-word answers, being angry, and/or are seemingly annoyed at the very presence of them. There are two common themes of responses I have noticed from parents who are experiencing their teen pulling back from them. Both are completely understandable, however, both usually result in teens retreating even further.

The first theme I notice is that parents become really frustrated or even angry at their teen’s lack of engagement with them. They feel like they are supporting and taking care of their teenager and that it is common curtesy for their teen to engage with them and respond to them. They are hurt and feel disrespected and are at loss for how to change their teen’s behavior.

The other theme...

Resilience is the ability to "bounce back" during or after setbacks, disappointments, and difficult times. This year sure did bring teens (and all of us) more than a few setbacks, disappointments, and difficult times. Remember, teenagers do not have fully developed adult brains, yet they had to adjust to many cancelled events, attending school online (and not just "attending" but trying to figure out how to learn), not seeing friends and extended family, not being able to engage in sports and other extracurricular activities, not being able to get summer jobs, not being able to go away to college, being at home for extended periods of time with the rest of the family, being fearful of family members dying and losing family members, and being aware of the financial pressures and job loss that so many parents of teens have experienced. This list could certainly include even more challenges they have been facing for what is creeping up on almost a year's time.

Most...

Unfortunately, many teenagers experience ongoing stress and anxiety. For some, these emotions feel heightened due to restrictions related to the pandemic, uncertainty about whether they will be able to participate in certain activities, ceremonies, or celebrations, and not being able to celebrate the holidays in the way they are accustomed to. One thing that can be very beneficial to understand, is that events and circumstances do not cause us to feel stress and anxiety. It is what we think about events and circumstances that causes us to feel stress and anxiety. 

This is why two people can experience the same exact situation and have very different responses to that situation. It is because what they think about it is what causes their feelings. Because of this, learning to notice and manage thoughts can be very powerful in helping teens manage their emotions. 

Below are 4 things that teens can do to help them manage their thoughts that are causing stress and...

Have you noticed that your teenager has started becoming increasingly disrespectful?  Or perhaps your teenager has been disrespectful for a while now and you are at a loss about what to do.  If so, the tips below are for you.  Disrespectful behavior can take on many forms including yelling, rage, ignoring, insulting comments, chronic arguing, failure to follow rules, taking things for granted or not taking care of personal items. 

Any of these behaviors alone, not to mention in combination with one another, can be extremely saddening, frustrating and troublesome for parents.  The reason why teens become disrespectful varies but can include:  testing the waters, mimicking peers, wanting attention, trying to exert their independence, modeling after adults who they observe acting in a disrespectful manner or lacking the tools they need to express themselves more appropriately.

Below are some tips for you, if you are looking to decrease your...

Does this sound strange to you?  Well…it might but it is important, and I have worked with many, many teenagers who I have diagnosed with this “condition”.  Now, I am obviously being a bit sarcastic to make this point, but it is because I have seen the positive changes that can occur when parents (and their teenagers) realize that “too much yes” is central to many of the issues they are having.  "Too much yes" happens when parents have not been firm enough with limits, restrictions, and in saying “no” to some things their children want or want to do. 

“Too much yes” results in teenagers not understanding that they sometimes need to work harder to get what they want.  “Too much yes” results in teenagers not understanding there are consequences for their actions.  “Too much yes” results in teenagers not learning to tolerate discomfort or negative emotions. ...

Teens, Tantrums and Threats.  These are three “T’s” that can cause a lot of stress, frustration and sadness for parents, especially when everyone is home together all the time.  Have you had situations where you feel like your teenager bursts into a fit of rage or tears without warning while you are left trying to figure out what provoked such a strong emotional reaction?  You are not alone. 

As I often discuss, teens have a lot going on internally at any given moment.  Raging hormones, insecurity, wanting independence but being terrified of it at the same time, academic pressure, peer pressure and general confusion about where they fit into the world are probably just the tip of the iceberg. All of this “stuff” sits inside them brewing and brewing until one thing, however small, causes them to boil over.

This can result in tantrums and threats.  Tantrums can involve crying, screaming, yelling, door slamming, stomping...